ÅLPHÀßETîCÂL
by StarComets04
Summary: Ever wonder what goes on in the heads of Sanzoikkou? Humor is expected when a talk show reveals their way of thinking through mathematical, real life, and science questions. chapters are independent Parody of all sarcasms
1. Intermission 1

_A/N Don't forget to **review!**_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki nor do I have enough money to buy them_

_Plot: before the show starts, here some intermission numbers to introduce the show

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_"**ALPHABETICAL"**_

Commercial 1:**_ Intermission_**

Niku: now, we'll have a special number from our Sanzo-Ikkou. So today's topic: Math subtraction. Let's see how their brains respond to mathematical questions.

Niku: Sixteen minus two

Goku: twelve

Niku: Wrong! Nine minus three?

Goku: Seven?

Niku: (sighs) What dummy! Ok final question, lighter minus cigarette?

Goku: What? A lighter but no cigarette, Sanzo will surely freak!

Niku: CORRECT!

ooo0ooo

Niku: Sanzo just a quick question…

Sanzo: Shut up I told ya I'm busy!

Niku: Just a simple question, please

Sanzo: If I answer shut up. Ok?

Niku: Yep, Sanzo what is stomach minus brain?

Sanzo: For every stupid question comes a stupid answer: Goku

ooo0ooo

Niku: Hakkai, if there were ten people in a room and nine of them were ladies, how many guys are there?

Hakkai: I bet Gojyo would do anything to be that lucky guy.

Niku: Eh?

ooo0ooo

Niku: four members of Sanzo Ikkou in a speeding jeep: Goku, Gojyo, Hakkai as the driver and Sanzo as the leader.

Gojyo: I'm listening. Please continue.

Niku: One of them died of hunger, how many are left?"

Gojyo: none

Niku: "…"

Gojyo: In a speeding jeep? With Hakkai behind the wheels? I don't think anyone could have survived that.

Niku: Oh I see…(sighs)

ooo0ooo

Niku: Ok that's what's inside our heroes' minds. We'll be back after the commercial break.

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Author: I know, I know. I hope you still liked it Review please. yer just begin by clicking that lower left button there and tell me your favorite parts in the story 


	2. First part

"**ALPHABETICAL"**

_Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki. Oh please don't remind me about that._

_Summary:_ A TV show decided to take Sanzo Ikkou for a brief interview. They realized their mistake later on. One of my drabbles.

_Scenario:_ ALPHABETICAL is a show where they guest several people asking them of blah blah blah… The guests have to answer in an alphabetical manner. Anyway, you'll see.

Chapter 1: First part

Niku: I'm your host for tonight's installment in..

Audience: ALPHABETICAL

Niku: That's right folks and tonight's guest is no other than our Saiyuki heroes – Sanzo Ikkou!

Niku: You know the drill guys, you should always answer in an alphabetical manner. Ok, to start, Mr. Sanzo. Question A: What could you say about your friends?

Sanzo: **A**ll of them are annoying! Plus they're not my friends

Niku: Ah ok, don't need to be grouchy sir. Moving on to the next question, what could you say about sir Goku?

Sanzo: **B**akasaru

Niku: um…Ok? Is there anything you want to share to our viewers?

Sanzo: **C** you later

Niku: ah..um sir…Sanzo…er, you can't leave yet. Uhm? Mr. Sanzo?

Director: Cut!

_PLEASE STAND BY_

Niku: Ok, back to the topic, sir Sanzo what would you like to inform your Friends, uh I mean companions?

Sanzo: **D**ie you **d**arn **d**umb **d**emons

Niku: Next, who is your least favorite companion?

Sanzo: **E**ro Kappa. He's good for nothing.

Niku: What's your favorite weapon?

Sanzo: **F**an! My paper fan to whack those freaks.

Niku: Ok sir, please open your final statement.

Sanzo: **G**oddamn it! Will you just stop asking stupid questions!

Niku: Thank you sir Sanzo for your time. (CUT!)

Sanzo: Tch, my time is not free or else (prepares his gun)

Niku: Huh, you work that out with our director. Yes mister Sanzo, no need for assaults.

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Niku: Now, please give it up for our next member mister Goku! (applause)

Niku: Mr. Goku, what would you like to share with our viewers?

Goku: **H**arahetta! Does anyone have meat buns?

Niku: uh no.

Goku: How could I answer without my food?

Niku: you just ate with our manager 2 hours ago.

Goku: What? That long already?

Niku: um.. moving on. What words could you associate with sir Gojyo?

Goku: **I**diot!

Goku: **J**erk

Goku: **K**appa

Niku: Ok, last question how…

Goku: Uhm wait! What's the letter after K?

Niku: Oh well. We have smart kid here. That's all folks. We'll be back after these few messages.

Director: cut!

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**A/N: Review please**


	3. Second Part

"**ALPHABETICAL"**

_Chapter 2: **Second Part**_

_Niku: and were back! We're now having our chat with mister Gojyo. Mr. Gojyo now you're quite a guy. Who do you mostly hang with?_

_Gojyo: **L**overs and ladies_

_Niku: hah, that's quite a juicy answer. Well, what kind of guys do you hang with?_

_Gojyo: a **M**onk, a **m**onkey and a **m**ommy._

_Niku: Well, what's Hakkai's favorite past time._

_Gojyo: **N**agging_

_Niku: Next…_

_Gojyo: **O**h my gosh, what a pretty lady you are Miss. Niku_

_Niku: Eh? Let's just bring our next guest. (avoids Gojyo)_

_Gojyo but I'm not finish with…._

_Director: Bring on the next guy._

_Niku: So tell us mister Hakkai, Describe your typical day with Sanzo Ikkou_

_Hakkai: Well, an afternoon in the inn:_

_- Goku: **P**ervert!_

_- Sanzo: **Q**uiet Bakasaru!_

_- Goku: **R**eally Sanzo, I'm hungry!_

_- Sanzo: **S**hut up!_

_- Paper fan towards Goku's face: "**T**hwack!"_

_Niku: you're quite an author mister Hakkai. Next, What does Gojyo do to the ladies he fooled?_

_Hakkai: **U**hm wait, I don't want to talk about that_

_Niku: Right,..uhm…moving on: What do you feel about the pairing "Gojyo plus Hakkai"?_

_Hakkai: **V**ery annoyed, not to mention insulted._

_Niku: Ok, what is your companions' hobby?_

_Hakkai: **W**hining!_

_Niku: What do you think about Miss Yaone?_

_Hakkai: **X**cuse me?_

_Niku: I mean who is your old time crush?_

_Hakkai: **Y**ao….Hey! I'm not falling for that!_

_Niku: Oh look he's denying it._

_Hakkai: does not! (leaves)_

_Niku: sorry folks that is all the time we have until next time in…_

_Audience: Alphabetical!_

_Niku: Goodnight everyone!_

_Director: Cut!_

_Niku: Great Take Mr. Director._

_Director: Good one miss Niku. Actually I…._

_Bob, the cameraman: Eh sir?_

_Director: later Bob, I'm still talking to miss Niku._

_Bob: but this is important!_

_Director: Later I promise! Now Miss Niku, I would like you to interview Mr. Kougaiji's team together with Sada Lily_

_Bob: but sir!_

_Niku: Let him speak Mr. Director_

_Director: So what's up Bob?_

_Bob: Er, sir, I forgot to put on the film_

_"What?"_

**_END

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_Starcomets04: So whaddya think? Hope you'll like my next stories similar to this. like "INTERMISSION" and "Da Monkey is a Genius" It's worth a laugh. This is suppose to be the last chapter but bec of a friend's request, I'll continue up to chap 4_

**_Before you check the next chapter...Review!

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	4. Intermission 2

Disclaimer: I don't own saiyuki (sobs)

**A/N**: _This is suppose to be an additional chapter… if you'd like me to add more intermissions please tell me so in your reviews. Some scenes here were taken from my other story INTERMISSIONS. It's worth a laugh, I guess. Thanks for your support_

_**Happy Laughing!**_

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Commercial 2:_** Intermission**_

Niku: now, we'll have a special number from our Sanzo-Ikkou. So today's topic: Science, the world around us and a little math (sighs). Let's see how their brains respond to the next set of questions.

Niku: Okay, let's start with a "no-wrong-answers" question. if you were to be an astraunaut, where would you go on your first flight mission?

Goku: uhm, whats a flight mission?

Niku: let me restate _(geez, who picks the people?)_ if you're an astraunaut where would you wanna go?

Goku: The Sun!

Niku: "?"

Goku: The sun is bright. I would want to reach the sun.

Niku: Uhm, I don't think it's possible to get there without burning up

Awkward silence…

Goku: So I should schedule my trip at night huh.

…

Niku: _(totally stunned)_ you know what, let's forget the "no wrong answers" questions

ooo0ooo

Niku: goin' back to the monkey, eh uhm child…Goku, what would you do to help alleviate poverty in the country

Goku: As a proud scholar and an aspiring scientist, my best way of contributing to the country is my using my skills and creativity for new innovations and improvements

Niku: Whoa, are you still Goku or are you a clone?

Goku: Nah, I just got that from a brochure

Niku: I thought so, anyways, any invention in mind? _(moving on...)_

Goku: As a matter of fact, I have a list

_My inventions_

The water-proof towel  
Glow in the dark sunglasses  
Solar powered flashlights  
A book on how to read  
Inflatable dart boards  
A dictionary index  
Powdered water  
Pedal powered wheel chairs  
Water proof tea bags  
Reusable ice cubes  
Do it yourself roadmap…

Niku: ugh! Forget I asked! _(scoffs away)_

ooo0ooo

Niku: Now let's witness the first time Goku learns to count _(What can I do, I'm being paid to interview)_

Gojyo: Monkey, use your empty brain once and count my coins

Goku: Empty? I'll show you…One Two Three…

Sanzo: Can he even count?

Hakkai: I suppose so

Gojyo: nah he can't

Hakkai: just wait and see

Goku: Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Jack, Queen, King!

…Awkward silence…

Gojyo: Told you so!

Hakkai: I take back whatever I said

ooo0ooo

Niku: name an animal with four legs

Gojyo: two chickens

Niku: name 5 things that has/contains milk

Goku: butter and cheese and ice cream and 2 cows

Niku: where did humans evolve from?

Gojyo: Hakkai told me that humans evolved from Goku

Niku: Is it impossible to fill your stomach with gallons of food?

Hakkai: at first I thought it was but when I met Goku…

Niku: what are the basic needs of a typical man

Gojyo: cigarettes, women, cards, beer….

Niku: What is death?

Gojyo: A monk with a gun and a monkey without a limiter and hakkai behind the wheels.

Niku: favorite catch phrases

Goku: I'm hungry

Sanzo: shut up!

Gojyo: stupid monkey

Hakkai: Oh my,

Niku: Are you actually going to arrive to their destination? Also, how can the Kougaji-ikko manage to meet up with the Sanzo-ikko on several occasions and back, but the Sanzo-ikko never seem to get any closer?

Sanzo: Hakkai, I think we should let Kougaiji's dragons train Hakyuryu to fly

ooo0ooo

Niku: this time we see our zeoes, uhm I mean heroes, eating dinner…Let's witness their marvelous discussion on the world of insects?

Goku: By the way, Are caterpillars good eat?

Sanzo: Haven't I told you a hundred times not to mention your despicable gross ideas in mealtimes? It spoils my appetite

Hakkai: You shouldn't have asked that, Goku. Why the heck would you suddenly ask about a caterpillar?

Goku: It's just that…

Sanzo: That what?

Goku: "I saw one in Sanzo's lettuce but now it's gone"

_Niku: Is it impolite to laugh so badly?_

ooo0ooo

Niku: Ok that's what's inside our heroes' minds. Sorry we have to cut this short since Sanzo' is still barfing in the bathroom…see ya again!

**_END of Story_**

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A/N: I guess, this will be the **end of the story.** Sequel is already up: **"INTERMISSIONS". **If you liked more, you may suggest story ideas or work in partnership for writing more humor. Please review and tell me your favorite part!!!

Just so you know, i'm not trying to insult the characters here, I'm just closing up to their funniy side. I don't think that Goku is really that dumb as most people might think and he's my favorite character because of his innocence and unique way of thinking. He should get more appreciation for the great things he has done. As for the other members, their own unique personality gives the group their dynamic quality. Their individual eccentricity together on how they react to each other, makes the anime fun and entertaining.

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